Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
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I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.