Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

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Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.


Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.


Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there


Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.


Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”


I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.


Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered


“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach