Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
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Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.