@mompsychologist

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

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@HousewifeOfHell

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

@JohnLyonTweets

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

@OfficeofSteve

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

@TrueTorontoGirl

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

@SCbchbum

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

@pistolwistol

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

@PhilJamesson

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

@CourtneyStults1

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach