Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
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*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”