Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
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Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room