Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
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Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Hotels are back
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
scares
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month