Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
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I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable