Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
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My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?