Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
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When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like: