Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
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One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back