@mommy_cusses

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

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@jeannerbeaner

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

@morrisjr77

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

@AmishPornStar1

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

@chetporter

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

@Annekinns

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

@ThisOneSayz

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

@alexjmann

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

@trevso_electric

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.