@FancyNancyAnn You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
@mommy_cusses *Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
You Might Also Like
@FancyNancyAnn 
@jeannerbeaner 95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
@LoveNLunchmeat Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
@morrisjr77 is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
@AmishPornStar1 Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
@chetporter *shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
@Annekinns A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
@ThisOneSayz *pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
@alexjmann How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
@trevso_electric If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.