*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
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Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
normalize having existential bread
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
excuse me
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible