*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

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95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.


Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.


is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?


Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.


*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing


A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.


*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!


How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?


If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.