Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
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I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?