Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
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ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
The real reason evolution started..😂
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
When libraries troll their patrons.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them