husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
You Might Also Like
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.