Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?