HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
You Might Also Like
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?