Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
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[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.