Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”![]()
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People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.