Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
i baked you a cake
Doggies just call it style.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
haha same
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.