Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
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vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
this is what they would have looked like, though
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
This raises questions
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker