Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
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*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
the three branches of government
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’