Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
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tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Ha
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Not today. 😅
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
🤣😂🤣
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
“Wait, let me explain..”