Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
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[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
lost dog
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?