HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
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The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.