HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I don’t get marriage
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
*pronounces fake like saké*
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?