Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
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A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
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I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
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I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.