Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
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Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Lmfaoooooo
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
had to make it
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem