Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
You Might Also Like
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”