Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
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If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎