Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
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When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.