Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.