Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
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I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.