Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
