Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal