Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
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when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Two types of dogs.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”