Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
smartest karate player in the world
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.