Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
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The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
how to have an accident 101
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
When can I start eating bats again.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body