Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
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Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself