Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
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Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I need better friends
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms