Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
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I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Simple enough.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.