husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
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Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
jesus christ confetti not now
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Terribly Tuesday.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
No Google it does not
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time