Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
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Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers