Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
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“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
termite twitter scares me
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times