“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
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Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My favorite farside!!
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: Iâm gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I donât know what Feen is.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I donât understand how iâm getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, itâs 9 AM.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Sign of the times. đ
#Hoarders #COVIDăź19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My kidsâ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I canât take this anymore. Iâm breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, itâs her floss
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Wife: our daughter canât find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didnât you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like âmy client deserves more payâ and âmy client is really good at his jobâ and âi love my client so much does he look taller?â
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far itâs just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.