Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
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so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
scares
TODAY
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Where’s my employee discount too?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.