Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
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[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt