Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
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“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man