Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
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HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
the red hot silly peppers
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.