HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
You Might Also Like
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I want this so bad
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok