@Death_Buddy

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

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@_Tempo11

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

@

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

@whatsJo

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

@Reverend_Scott

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

@Tbone7219

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

@online_shawn

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

@njlitigator

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

@IceHuck

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.