@champagngetaway Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
@Death_Buddy HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
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@champagngetaway 
@_Tempo11 If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
@whatsJo Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
@Reverend_Scott Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
@Tbone7219 So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
@online_shawn If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
@LindseyEllison2 “I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
@njlitigator Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
@IceHuck Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.