Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
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genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.