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CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.