Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
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I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
This meeting could have been a cake
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered